


One-offs from Tumblr

by Herbgerblin (TheEverlastingRandom)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: A collection of ficlets that I have will probably continue to write, Anthology Series, Multi, Some of them are prompt inspired, others are my own mad ravings, very silly but also fluffy too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-04-24 07:53:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19168990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEverlastingRandom/pseuds/Herbgerblin
Summary: Anthology of ficlets that I seem to write at 3am because I have never known rest nor peace a day in my life





	1. Taako's haunted Doll Watch

**Okay consider: Transitive law**

  1. Justin initiated Haunted Doll Watch and actively enjoys looking for Cursed™ dolls online.
  2. Taako was the  _only one_  who liked that terrible, terrible Cherub Joe action figure in the wrestling live show.



##  **_Therefore:_ **

Taako would  _DEFINITELY_  be into haunted dolls. 

Probably keeps a collection. Has Magnus build a case for them with many locks (because Magnus hates that shit, but he cares about Taako, so he does it). Barry probably gives Taako whatever dolls he happens find on reaping missions. Some of them are poorly sewn voodoo dolls with weird symbols drawn on their limbs. Some of them are finely crafted porcelain dolls left behind in abandoned buildings. They bond over them. 

Kravtiz probably doesn’t like them because some of them are  _actually_ possessed and he tries to convince Taako to let him send those souls to the Astral Plane. 

Taako whines, “But it’s not the same if they’re not  _properly_  haunted!” 

“Taako, these vessels are wildly unstable,” Kravitz says. They’re both standing in the kitchen having this discussion. Dolls are scattered everywhere. “And the tormented souls might lash out at you if they stay bound for too long.”

The Dolls stare, unblinking.

“Psh, that’s what the case is for, babe,” Taako says, carefully dusting one off. He’s wearing sanitation gloves. “What, you think I’m gonna let  _my own haunted dolls_  kill me in my sleep? What do you take me for, an amateur?”

He definitely gives them awful names like Bastard Man, Screaming Columbina, and Jimmy Long Fingers. They are organized by time period, spooky aesthetic, and overall cursed energy. Whenever he goes to a yard sale or antique store, and finds a good one, he has to snap a photo and send it to the irpe groupchat.

 

> **FantasyJustin: look at this choiceClownBoi taking a depression nap.** [Pictured is a doll dressed in red and black decorative clothes, lying face down on bookshelf.]  **i kinda want him**
> 
> **Magnus: NOoooooo!!!!**
> 
> **Lucretia: Bad.**
> 
> ****Barry: seems cool to me**  
>  **
> 
> ****Davenport: why did you make me look at this with my own two eyes**  
>  **
> 
> **Merle: Is that a “mood”? Am I using that right?**
> 
> **Lup: it’s you bro**

Cut to 3am at night. Taako is sleepily heading downstairs to have some Dark Lunch (Dunch, if you will.) There is a loud rattling noise. He looks slowly down the hallway and there is the large, carven doll case. Some moonlight is shinning on the clear pane. One of the dolls appears to be leaning against it, pounding as hard as its little cloth hands can. Its glass eyes flicker violently.

Taako blinks.

“I’ll move you to the top shelf when you’ve earned it,” He mutters. “Go the fuck to sleep.” He shuffles down the stairs. “Fuckin’ ungrateful.”


	2. Blupjeans Highschool AU

“I’m gonna do it,” Barry said, with renewed conviction. “I’m gonna ask her out.”

“Uh huh,” Taako mumbled, using his textbook for a pillow. They were in Advanced Calculus, their first class of the day. The school was set up in a block schedule, so there were three more to go, plus lunch. Taako sat up and stood his text book up on his own desk. “That’s what you said yesterday.”

“I mean it,” Barry said. He tapped his pencil on his desk impatiently. “The homecoming dance is next Friday.”

“I’m painfully aware,” Taako said, taking out his phone and texting, eyes flickering up to make sure no one was noticing. “You got a plan of action, my dude?”

“Lunch. Senior court yard. If I time it right, it won’t be as crowded and the two of us can just talk.”

“If you can actually do the talking part,” Taako mumbled.

“Your enthusiasm is really encouraging, Taako,” Barry said sarcastically.

“You’ve had my blessing to date my sister for three years, Barold,” Taako shot back. “Don’t be surprised if the support well is running a bit dry.” Barry sighed. This pining had been going on for quite a while now. It was driving him a bit mad at this point. He knew he had to do something before the school year was up. Anything would do.

As soon as the bell rang, he shot up from his desk, nearly spilling his backpack and all its contents to the floor. His face went beet red as he scrambled to grab at the stuff, Taako snickering beside him. There was just one more class to go, and then he was gonna ask her.

–

“I’m gonna ask him,” Lup mumbled, her head laid down on the table. “I mean it this time.”

“Yep,” Taako said, putting his his books away. He had his phone in his hand, texting someone. “That’s what you said yesterday.”

The bell rang, and the twins were preparing to leave the library, Usually they’d be in elective course, but they had so far out classed most of them that the school had given them the option to do intermediary studies in the library. Lup forced herself to sit up.

“The dance is NEXT FRIDAY, Ko!” She whined.

“Oh really?” Taako asked, with mock innocence. “I would’ve never have known if it wasn’t for your fuckin’ yearning 24/7.”

Lup elbowed his arm, and then yawned. She had stayed up later than usual to finish a project for chemistry the night before. Between the thoughts she had about Barry—of which there were a lot—there were also thoughts of going home and conking the fuck out. She just hoped she would be able to handle the former before getting to the latter.

“I’m so tired,” She said, putting her chin on her brother’s shoulder. He shifted under her unexpected weight. “Ko, be my wingman when I talk to Barold so I don’t say anything stupid.”

“Why don’t you go hang out in the senior courtyard,” Taako suggested. He gently pushed her off. “The sun might wake you up a bit. Better than staying indoors and passing out on your lunch tray.”

“Hmmm,” Lup said, standing up. “Not a bad idea, I guess.”

“Cha-boy’s got nothing but good ones,” Taako said, waving her away. “Now go, your Romeo awaits.”

–

“Hey!” Barry said, lunch tray in hand. He spotted Lup in the courtyard, already sitting in a secluded little spot under a wooden alcove. Thick green vines peaked through the open wood sidings. As soon as he drew closer, his breath shallowed and his heart quicken.

Lup looked up at him from the picnic table she was seated at. Her tray was before her, barely touched. Both of her elbows were propped on the table, her hands were bracing her head.

“Hey, ” she said, a bit softly. Her eyes fluttered and remained half opened, as if she were still in a morning haze. The wind blew through the vines and Barry noticed the smattering of light through the leaves dancing across her goldenly tanned, freckled skin.

“I-is this seat occupied?” he stammered. Oh this was far more difficult than he thought.

“Yep!” Lup said, managing a grin. “It’s for one Barold J. Bluejeans. You wouldn’t happen to know the guy, wouldja?”

“Oh, I think I might hazard a guess,” he replied. Lup scooted over and let him sit down beside her. He smiled, and there appeared the cute, familiar dimples on the sides of his face. Lup was filled with the urge to poke them—she had, on a few occasions. But usually when there were fewer people around, and usually then it was followed up with a well-worn, “Nerd.”

“Hey Barry, I hate to ask but,” she started, then shrugged. “Mind if I rest my head on your shoulder a bit? I had to stay up pretty late to get my homework submitted on time, and I’m tired as fuck.”

“Oh,” Barry said, shifting in his seat. “Go ahead, I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure it’s not weird?” Lup asked, already leaning forward. Barry wasn’t sure why she had to ask. The other day she threw her legs across his lap like it was nothing. He could hardly form a thought then. This seemed far less imposing.

“Go ahead,” He said. “We have plenty of time for you to take a quick nap. I’ll wake you when the bell rings.”

Lup nodded gratefully and rested her head on his shoulder. All at once, Barry was acutely aware that she smelled like nutmeg. The curls of her thick hair tickled his skin but he didn’t move. He shifted his arm to support her back, and true to her word, she seemed to go out like a light. They sat like that for a while, with nothing but the sound of the wind rustling the leaves, and her slow, gentle breathing.

It was so…weird. How they could shift from awkward to comfortable like they did. Every moment Barry considered asking Lup out, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. But then when he didn’t try, when he wasn’t acting like he wanted to say anything, he could be as relaxed with her as he was with anyone else. It was so strange.

It almost made him believe that maybe they should just stay friends.

As Lup fell asleep, she was quietly kicking herself for not saying what she wanted to say right then.

Maybe she was chill with the fact that they had been friends all four years of highschool. And maybe she writes in her diary of all the cute little things he does. That she’s grateful that he cheers her on at all her sporting events. That they were part of a robotics club together. That he gives her rides home if she was stuck late at school doing something for chemistry. That he watches awful, B rated horror movies with her on Saturdays, and then pretends that he wasn’t just a little afraid of them. That he eats ice cream with the conviction of a man who has faced God and walked backwards into Hell. That she teases him incessantly, but she would never, for the life of her, change anything about him.

That maybe she loves him?

She thought about all this as she fell asleep.

Magnus came barging into the courtyard with Carey. They were chatting about how they could possibly use their combined skills to get better at dodgeball. As soon as Magnus saw Lup and Barry, he waved at them.

Barry put up a finger to his lips to signal for them to be quiet. Magnus and Carey lowered their voices. Magnus pointed to Barry, then he pointed to the still sleeping Lup, then he made a heart symbol with his hands and tilted his head like he was asking a question.

Barry—very slightly, so as not to disturbed her—shook his head no. Magnus looked visibly disappointed and threw his hands up into the air. Barry rolled his eyes. Magnus and Carey ambled over to the other side of the courtyard, where Taako and Merle where already talking. Barry sighed with relief.

After what felt like too short a time, the bell rang. Lunch was over.

Barry, very gently, pressed his hand on Lup’s shoulder to wake her. She made a soft sound, somewhere between a hum and a chirp, one that he wasn’t familiar with.

“First bell,” he said. “Time to go.”

“Mmm,” Lup agreed, sitting up and stretching. Barry felt the breeze on his body where she hand been leaning against him. It felt lighter, but emptier. She looked at him and smiled drowsily. “You’re a good pillow, Barold. You know that?”

He smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Hey, if you ever need another shoulder to lean on, I’m your guy.”

“Done. You’re locked in as my human pillow,” Lup declares, grabbing her tray. She grinned devilishly. “No backsies.”

Barry chuckled. “No backsies.”

As they both got to their feet, their gazes locked into each others. Lup towered over him by a few inches, her beautiful hair swirling around her head like a halo. He almost lost his breath looking up at her.

“Hey, uh, Lup?” he said, his voice going suddenly dry.

“Yeah, Barold?” she asked.

“Got any, um, plans for homecoming?”

Now was her chance! Lup started to reply but her voice caught in her throat, like it always did when she wanted to ask him something, to say anything! She knew on some level that if she asked, he would probably say yes to her. Rarely did their shenanigans start with her asking permission. Usually it was a, “We’re doing this!” and his agreeing immediately. But this was different. Maybe he’d be busy, or maybe it’s not his thing.

She wanted so badly to ask him, to know.

“Not really,” She managed to say. “Taako and I considered going to a couple of the school events, but I don’t really have any big plans. Per se.”

“Oh?” Barry said, feeling very warm and very anxious and maybe a little dizzy. “So, um, you…uh?”

The bell rang again.

“Class!” Lup exclaimed. She grabbed at Barry’s arm, practically dragging him with her out of the courtyard. “We’re gonna be late for class!”

“Yeah,” Barry said. He felt ready to jump off a cliff, or maybe into a river. Perhaps both.

–

“I failed,” Barry said, as soon as he saw Taako near his locker.

“No shit, Barold.” Taako said, giving him a pat on the back anyway. Barry leaned his head against the metal door with a groan. There were two more classes left, and then a whole day of sulking left to do.

–

“I failed,” Lup said, as soon as she saw Taako near the Home Ec classroom. It was the last block of the day. She walked up to him and leaned on his back.

“No shit, Lulu,” Taako said. “You two are the worst fuckin train wrecks I’ve ever dealt with in my young life. I knew I was here for a good time, but the long time was still in the purview.”

Lup pouted. “Can’t we just go as a group, like last year?”

“NOPE,” Taako exclaimed. “There was no group last year, Lulu. There was you and Barold making stupid, goo goo eyes at each other, but not doing anything. And me sitting at a table between the two of you in my own, special, third-wheeling hell. I’m not doing that shit this year.” He pointed across the hallway. “Besides, cha’boy’s already got a date.”

Lup’s head whipped around, eyes following where her brother pointed. Across the hall was another boy, about their age. He was standing outside of the music room, talking to Johann. He was dressed in all black, holding sheet music tucked under his arm. His dark, dreaded hair was pulled back into a loose bun. He was definitely a handsome boy, but he also stuck out like a sore thumb.

“Okay, ‘Quoth the Raven’ boy aside,” Lup said. “When did you get a date?”

“Cha boy’s got admirers, Lup.” Taako said, preening just a little. He waved his phone in his hand. “Just sealed the deal earlier today while you and Barold were dancing around each other. Though it seems like you’re not going to be doing much actual dancing at this rate.”

“Shut uuup!” Lup whined. She started marching away from him. “I’m staying after school today, don’t wait up, dingus.”

“You do you, goofus!” Taako called back.

As Lup walked to her last class, she was suddenly filled with fury. She was done waiting, done being nervous and unsure. She spent the whole class period feeling like she might spontaneously combust.

–

“Hey Nerd!” Lup yelled from the door of the bio lab. It was after school hours, but some of the students were staying behind for personal research. Every individual looked up reflexively, Barry included. Lup pointed at him.

“No, that nerd specifically,” she said. “I’m going to steal him away now. The rest of you go about your day.”

“Yeah, Lup?” Barry asked, surprised to see her after school. She motioned for him to follow her out into the hallway. He took off his gloves and lab coat, then cleaned up his station. He grabbed his bag and headed out the door.

“I thought you were tired?” he said, though it wasn’t really a question. They both walked toward the front entrance.

“I wanted to chat a little more before I left,” Lup replied. There was a pause, and then she asked, “Hey, Barry?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you dislike it when I call you a nerd?” Barry looked at her, his brows knitting with befuddlement. She looked back at him, nervousness quirked slightly on her face. He tried to alleviate whatever she was feeling with a casual shrug.

“No, I think it’s fine,” he said. “I am a nerd. This is why we have classifications, Lup.”

She laughed, and playfully nudged his arm. As soon as they got to his old car and buckled up, she leaned over and put her head on his shoulder. He smiled, seeing that she really did intend to use him as a pillow from now on. 

That’s perfectly fine by me, he thought.

Before he revved up the engine, he said, “I think there might be cause for confusion, though—” Lup turned just enough to look up at him. “—When I’m around fellow nerds. We’re pack animals Lup, if you call for one, everyone looks up.” Lup laughed again, softly.

“Right,” she replied. “We’re going to need something to distinguish you. Ya know, aside from just Barold.” She shifted in her seat and slung one arm over the back of the chair. “I’m the one who calls you a nerd the most. What if I said, ‘my nerd?’”

Barry beamed. “I’d be fine with that.”

“Really?” Lup asked, her lips threatening to twitch upwards. “If I was possessive?”

He grinned, and those familiar, wonderful dimples that carved out his face reappeared. “I’d best damn nerd this side of the hemisphere…If I’m yours Lup.”

The smile that fell on Lup’s face, it was–oh, it was irreplaceable.

She leaned forward, and Barry leaned forward just as gently. They were shoulder to shoulder, so it wasn’t that far of a distance for their lips to meet. They pressed into a soft, chaste kiss. Which was immediately followed by one that was deeper, and less tentative. Barry’s brain flooded with lots of different thoughts, but slowly fell on dancing. And what it meant to to dance with someone you adored.

“Four,” Lup murmured, pulling away just enough to speak, but not so far that she couldn’t plant another kiss on his cheek.

“Four?” Barry asked, surprised by how breathless he sounded. He felt ridiculously warm around his collar. Lup wrapped her arms around his shoulders, which only made him feel warmer.

“Four years, Barold!” she exclaimed. “Four years of kisses you owe me!”

“Oh!” he said, surprised. He felt like he was floating on air. “Could I…cash part of that in with a date to the dance?”

Lup beamed. “Hell yeah, you can!”


	3. Taakitz Bus Stop AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I spend too much time at the bus stop thinking about these things :/

Taako has an 8am lecture thrice a week and he hates the shit out of it, but it’s the only one that’ll fit neatly into his busy schedule. He always on the verge of running late to catch the campus shuttle. There’s a hand full of people waiting at the stop, but not anyone that Taako knows personally. Just a few teens and college students like him. He’s just ready to get to campus so that he can slog through class and get on with his day. 

First week of the semester, Taako actually manages to get to the stop with time to spare. There’s already a handsomely dressed (and just, straight up handsome) guy waiting as well. Taako kinda side eyes him until the bus arrives, and then strategically finds a seat that’ll let him stare at the dude without being noticed. He puts his earphones in his ears so that he can fake zoning out. 

–

The hot guy has got some sort of goth aesthetic going on despite the neat suit, so he really stands out from the crowd. He and Taako always get off at different stops and never take the same bus ride back. Taako slowly makes it a point to wake up earlier just see the dude for just a bit longer. And maybe make an effort to prep the night before to that he can look stunning early in the morning. 

–

For the first couple of weeks, Taako can’t really think up a good conversation between him and the hot guy, so when they get the bus, he just stands near him while listening to music. He gets away with it for the most part, because somedays the bus is more crowded than others, and everyone has to squeeze in tight when they get on. No matter how early Taako wakes, somehow the guy is always there first. And Taako wonders if maybe that’s a sign that he’s taken notice of him. Lup catches on pretty quick to her brother’s weird behavior and threatens to call him out in front of his “bus stop boyfriend.”

–

It’s overcrowded today, the bus is. It’s career week. Taako is wearing a white blouse and houndstooth slacks. Hot guy is wearing a beautiful black and burgundy three piece suit and tie. They’re just kind of standing  ~~and definitely not glancing at each other~~ when the bus lurches and Taako practically falls over on top of him. They laugh about the awkwardness and manage to wrangle something of a conversation out of it. But only for the ten minutes it takes to get to campus. Then they say awkward goodbyes and the guy leaves with an  ~~adorable~~ dorky wave. 

Taako gazes out the window so hard he nearly forgets to get off at the right stop.

–

One morning Taako is running late and is 100% certain that the bus is going to pull away without him. But it doesn’t, and he manages to catch up. He’s out of breath by the time he gets on and the driver is glaring. Taako pointedly ignores this, because he notices hot guy move his bag over so that Taako can sit beside him. Which he does, with relish. He manages to get hot guy’s–Kravitz’s–name, and subsequently learns that Kravitz was kind enough to convince the bus driver to wait for him.

–

One time Kravitz isn’t at the stop and Taako stands at there the whole time wondering if the fella is okay. Then wonders why he cares so much. He spends the bus ride absolutely  _ **not**_ worried. And he spends his whole lecture  _ **not**_ hoping that the guy is still there the next day. 

And then the next day when Kravitz  _ **is**  _there, he’s so relieved he says good morning, but then stops himself from saying, “Missed you the other day,” because that would be weird. That’s weird, right?

That’s totally weird.

But not weird enough to stop Krav, because he sheepishly mentions he overslept because of his job and it was a long night. Taako listens earnestly, grateful that they can have another conversation. They talk until the bus arrives. It’s a crowded day. Taako finds Kravtiz’s willingness to give up his seat to anyone who looks a day older or younger than him lowkey admirable. Kravitz finds Taako’s ability to can stand on a crowded bus without needing to hold onto any of the bars for dear life highkey impressive.

–

One morning Taako gets air dropped a deep fried meme on his phone. Some of the teenagers at the stop start giggling. He rolls his eyes but then notices Kravitz give the kids a more amused reaction. Taako gets an idea, then covertly airdrops a meme of his own. He sends it to more than one person, hoping that he can’t be pinpointed. But the moment Kravitz looks at his phone, he laughs out loud and Taako just about dies because  _shit_ ,  _he has a pleasant laugh too?? ~~This should be fucking illegal.~~_

He gets pinged a meme back and immediately covers his mouth because no, he can’t let Krav know what his impulsive laugh sound like. He’d rather step in front of a bus. He clears his throat and declines it. After a second, he’s airdropped another meme, this one funnier than the last. He can’t hide the laugh as well this time, it slips out, a very wheezy–high giggle, that threatens to turn into a snort. His eyes shoot in Kravitz’s direction. Kravitz, for his part, is looking very pointedly away. But something in his demeanor says that he is grinning regardless.

–

For all Magnus and Merle know, Taako  _ **does not**_ scour the entirety of campus to figure out where Kravitz goes to class. He ** _does not_**  pay extra special attention to where he gets off. And if he did– _ **which he didn’t**_ –he did not wait till Kravitz exited and then waited a second and then get off at the same stop and trail Kravitz ( “Like a stalker?” Magnus asks. Merle laughs and Taako threatens to stop bringing them lunch.) He  _ **did no**_ ** _t_**  get to his lecture 30 minutes late because of it.

That’s silly.

–

He starts sitting closer to the guy. It that makes it more difficult to stare at him. Taako glanced in his direction once and swore Kravitz was staring back, but then quickly turned his head away. Taako hopes he’s not seeing things, or inversely, that the things he is seeing are true.

–

One time Taako brings breakfast pastries with him. They’re warm and fresh. He smirks when Kravtiz fails to resists the enticing smell as he turns towards him. He offers Krav a bite, and isn’t surprised at the polite decline.

“My dude,” Taako says, waving an apple fritter in Krav’s face. “You look like the coffee-for-breakfast type. You need sustenance.”

Kravitz eventually relents, and revels at the taste. Taako brings breakfast to the bus stop more often. To return the favor, Kravitz brings Taako coffee. He personally likes his black, but he can make a passable latte. Taako brings his own flavor packets (which he took from fantasy Starbucks). No one else at the bus stop gets special treatment, but they’re too enraptured by the budding romance to intervene.

–

It’s particularly early in the morning, and chilly. No one else is at the bus stop except the two of them. They talk about what time of day they are most active. Taako is a dusk boy, or so he claims. He’s been going to bed pretty early, lately. Kravitz loves the morning. It’s brisk and inviting, and gentle. Taako, king of playlists, doesn’t listen to anything after that point whenever he arrives. Just the breeze. He rubs his hands together and shoves down the idea that holding hands with a particularly handsome boy just to the left of him would be lovely right now.

Kravitz attempts to warm his hands with his breath. Taako pokes Krav’s palm and rears back at how cold it actually is. But without thinking–or maybe overthinking? The lines have blurred a lot recently–He clasps both of Kravitz’s hands in his, and they stay like that until the bus arrives. Neither of them can quite remember what they were talking about anymore.

–

Taako invites Kravitz to come hang out at his apartment. Kravitz does.

–

Kravitz invites Taako to come hang out at  _his_  apartment. When Taako finally finds out what complex Kravitz lives at, he does a double take. Because, there’s already a shuttle stop near  _his own building?_  Much closer than the one by Taako’s. Why does he come to  _this_  one?

Turns out–that first week–Kravitz had missed his original shuttle, so he walked a block or two to the next closest stop to catch a different one, which just happened to be along Taako’s a route. 

And, well… _maybe_ he had thoughtTaako was cute…? So he intentionally started leaving home earlier and taking this route just to be near him?

Taako doubles over and nearly falls on the ground. It’s the  ~~worst~~ best combination of adorable, gay, dumbassery he’s ever,  _ever_  heard. He can’t believe he spent a whole semester pining for this beautiful, amazing fool. He tells Kravitz this, before leaning forward and giving him a kiss. Kravitz shrugs and admits it made his commute to campus more enjoyable. They share another kiss.

After a moment, the bus pulls up and they both get on together.

 

 


	4. Taakitz Wedding AU

**Part 1:[Merry Go Round of Life](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHMGetv40FkI&t=MjZhNmIzZDJjNTUxZjEwN2Q0MjQ1Y2JmZWYwY2ZiMDA4YWE3ZmUyMCxPV0RPYTNoUw%3D%3D&b=t%3AzJ-mqtlxOZwlMnENy3xc_A&p=https%3A%2F%2Fherbgerblin.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185495052420%2Ftaakitz-wedding-au-in-3-parts&m=0)**

Taako insisted he was going to cater his own wedding. And then Lup sat him down and spoke some sense into him. And of course when you’ve had sense spoken into you, it’s rather difficult to get it removed. So she was in charge of catering the wedding. 

As Taako was describing the theme (which he had been planning after he and Kravtiz had adopted their third cat. Taako kept a tabbed binder and everything) Lup asked him what he had in mind for the cake decor.

The following bit resulted:

 

 

> **Taako:**  Make the cake topper look like me twerking on Kravtiz’s–  
>  **Lup:** No.  
>  **Taako:  
>  ****Taako:** Make the cake topper look like Kravitz grinding on my–  
>  **Lup:**  NO!!!

In the end, Lup makes an extravagant cake, stacked upon four stands of varying heights, with little lacy staircases to connect them. The cake is decorated with black fondant with silver raven feather line work, and lavender piping in the shape of roses. Each layer was a different flavor.*

*Taako would later learn that the top cake was filled with key lime gogurt. This was mildly upsetting.

 

> **Taako:** That’s the bougiest shit I’ve ever laid my eyes on. How’d you come up with this?  
>  **Lup:** I looked up “ridiculous wedding cake” on fantasy google. Apparently these staircase cakes were once in fashion. Vintage, ya know what I mean?  
>  **Taako:** So it’s a throwback, hell yeah! (they highfive)

 

 

**Part 2:[I write Sins Not Tragedies](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dvc6vs-l5dkc&t=OWQ1ZGQ5OTAzM2ZiMzk1MTk5ZTc5MzYxZWQ5MGI3ZWE3MGI1NjQ3MyxPV0RPYTNoUw%3D%3D&b=t%3AzJ-mqtlxOZwlMnENy3xc_A&p=https%3A%2F%2Fherbgerblin.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185495052420%2Ftaakitz-wedding-au-in-3-parts&m=0)**

Lup is done up in her bridesmaid’s dress. It’s a beautiful lavender gown. 

It took a million and one different color palettes before her brother settled on it, but this one had stayed on the board no matter what combinations they chose, so ultimately it became the main accent. (Aside from black, which was a given. Kravitz insisted.) 

“Ko? Are you ready to go?” She asks, knocking gently on the door.

Taako had requested to himself ready. She figured he just wanted a chance to clear his head from all the frenzy. She half suspected him to have made a portal and go off the grid by now.

She wouldn’t put it beneath him, but she wouldn’t also think he’ll stoop to that, what with the enthusiasm he had attempted to hide in the nearly  _two years_  it took to execute this whole thing. Besides, even though Lup would kill a man for breaking her brother’s heart, she had come to care for Kravitz enough that if Taako ran out on him, she’d track her brother down herself and backhand him.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” his muffed voice says through the door.

Lup walks in and he looks…weirdly calm? Like, Taako is usually exuding confidence to an astronomical degree. But right now he looks, almost serene as he looks up at his sister. 

It’s only after getting over this initial start that Lups notices that Taako isn’t wearing some, bold extravagant gown or three piece suit or cowled robe, or any other gaudy attire like everyone expected. Admittedly it’s still appropriate. It’s a white lace collar blouse with lavender accents. Grey trousers with white, floral embroidered boots are trailed by a short tail of lavender tulle. A silver sash is tied at the waist with a bow. A light blue cord is pinned to his chest with symbols of two clock hands–a gift from Lady Istus. 

He wears a glowing, nearly translucent wizard hat. His curly hair is braided into neat plaits and tied together with one big lavender ribbon. Flowers are tucked behind his ears. He’s look beautiful. But again–for Taako–simple.

“Care to explain this one, Ko,” Lup says, pulling up a chair and gesturing at him. “I would’ve sworn you were gonna go out there whole circus in tow, you know.” Taako rolls his eyes.

“Yeah I know,” He says, only a bit irritable. “But I was…well I was thinking, and I guess–You know, I’m gettin married. And Taako is like, a whole super production–the brand, that is. And it’s so often for  _everybody_  to experience it. But this is my day! And I guess, I just really wanted, for myself–or for Krav, I guess, to just have….me.”

And then he looks just the tiniest bit sheepish. It’s just him and Lup right now, and Lup can see in his eyes the uncertainty he wouldn’t dare show to anyone else.

Lup beams. She puts a hand on his shoulder and says, “You look fucking amazing babe.”

Taako perks up at that. “Hells yeah, I do! Those fuckos better watch out. Best believe I’m getting pics after the ceremony in my gaudy ass getup. Cuz Taako does not waste a look!”

Lup, rising from her seat says, “Well if you’re good, I can take one last peak to make sure everyone else is all set up.”

“Yeah, you go do that,” Taako says. But now his voice wavers. She can tell from his fidgeting legs that a new wave of anxiety has hit him like a harpoon. His voice is pitched higher. “Everything’s going to be fucking fresh as hell.”

“Taako, you’re deflecting again,” Lup says, deadpan. She whips out a stone of farspeech from her purse and dials in. “Hey, babe, Barry? Taako’s at a code yellow? How we looking over there?”

“Uh…how do I best put this?” Barry’s voice says in response. “I think Kravitz is…molting? He’s pacing around and his cowl* is growing and shedding feathers like there’s no tomorrow.”

Lup groans. “I can’t believe we have to marry these idiots.”

 

> *Kravitz’s outfit is a dark grey, almost military style jack with black slacks, gloves and shoes. He wears a cowl of raven feathers pined by two small raven skulls and a red cord. His locs are braided back and two feathers are tucked in his hair. In the picture, he and Taako are holding hands and smiling at each other.

 

 

**Part 3:[Run to You](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dsp7PS_UN8Lo&t=ZDU5MGM4MGFkYjU3OGQ5ODBmODFhOWYzOTgxNTIyNzZjNDJiZGI0NSxPV0RPYTNoUw%3D%3D&b=t%3AzJ-mqtlxOZwlMnENy3xc_A&p=https%3A%2F%2Fherbgerblin.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185495052420%2Ftaakitz-wedding-au-in-3-parts&m=0)**

It’s time to go in. Even with Lup there to lean against, Taako is faltering every other step. He curses silently at his own legs. It’s a long walk, which is going to be even worse when they actually get in because they chose a venue with a long fucking aisle. After the third trip up, Lup has to hiss at him. “Ko, this is being recorded.”

“I know!” He bites back. “I’m doing my best.”

She gives him a concerned glance. “Do you want to stop?” she mouthes.

“Hell no,” he mutters.

Taako can’t for the life of him figure out why he feels so clumsy. Repressed emotions?  _Nah,_  that can’t be it. That’s future Taako’s problem.

Future Taako and Future Taako’s Husband’s Problem.

“Shit,” Taako whispers, stumbling again.

He would never want for his feelings to burden on Kravitz. Or well–not like, more than a general annoyance. But like? In a charming way? Endearing? Taako could never possess Magnus’ rustic hospitality, but he hopes–or rather, he expects to be seen with a certain degree of adoration.

Taako sighs. He knows that Kravitz adores him, with such oceanic depth that he could drown in it. Taako, thieving wizard chef, remembers wanting so much of it before knowing him, and never feeling like he had enough. Until now. 

So he’s going to try. Not to be good, mind you. _Pfftt._  That’s no fun. But to be…kind. And loving. And–occasionally–honest. 

He’s going to be the best damned husband Death has ever seen. 

Somehow Taako and Lup manage to turn the corner and reach the open doors. They stride ahead as everyone waiting for them begins to rise and–

Then Taako sees Kravtiz.

And Kravtiz sees him.

And Taako, taking in a sharp breath, unhooks his arm from Lup’s and dashes down the aisle. 

Because he sees Kravitz and suddenly he’s back in Phandolin, and he  _misses_  him, and he has spent every other thought aside from saving the world in devotion to him. Because he saved the world  _for him_ and everyone else present today. And he’s running, because Taako has seen so many worlds, and planes, and universes  _and time doesn’t play out like a straight line but–_

He’s going to run in a straight line towards Kravitz to shorten the time between them and bring their worlds together, because he  _loves him_  and he can’t think of anything else but kissing him  _right now._

And he leaps in Kravitz’s arms–and for his part, Kravitz catches him in a dramatic swoop–to give him a warm kiss.

And Merle, not unkindly, says, “You have to let me do my job! There’s an order to these things, you know!”

And Taako breaks from Kravitz’s face to laugh and say, “Fuck you old man!” And Kravtiz laughs as well. 

And Lup is jogging down the aisle, holding up the skirts of her dress saying, “Fuck bro, if you were gonna run, you should’ve at least given me a head start!”

And the tears Magnus was (poorly) holding back are spilling out in waves and Barry and Angus have to lean against him to keep him upright.

“You could’ve just cast Blink,” Lucretia says, with a smirk. “It would have been a lot faster.”

“Damn,” Taako says, finding his head. Kravtiz just beams and holds him close.

Davenport yells in his captain’s voice, “Let’s get this show on the road!” 

And there’s just so much joy in the room that it’s almost overwhelming.


	5. If Elven Proposals were Bouquets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taakitz and Blupjeans. More headcanon than fic but still cute

I  _swear_  I saw a post about “what if elves have different proposal traditions?” e.g. offering a bouquet as an intention of marriage. 

But– _if you’ll play with me in this space for a minute–_ what if that’s just a  _strictly_ Two Sunned (TS) elf thing, and not a Faerune elf thing. Faerune elves couldn’t give a shit, but TS elf care immensely. It’s an honorable and highly regarded practice, one that an elf could take up to half a century to perfect.

 **Okay, so consider:**  [insert pepe silvia meme here] 

Kravtiz shows up at Taako and Lup’s door step (like, a month or so after Story and Song) with a big assortment of flowers and Taako is like, “Oh for me, you shouldn’t have?” But on the inside he’s like, “OH FUCK!” 

But like,  _he knows_. He KNOWS that in  _this_  universe it’s fine. It’s just a common romantic gesture. It’s not the humble yet potentially binding signifier of love that it is on their homeworld. That’s silly.

But Krav is still standing there, mildly confused as to why Taako hasn’t let him into the house yet. And Taako, mentally, is somewhere between saying yes to a proposal that wasn’t even being asked, and trying to do the math on how many flowers Krav got because,  _shit that is a particularly large bouquet. Did he hand pick those carnations?_  Meanwhile lich!Lup comes around the corner to say hey to Kravitz before her brother leaves for his date and she see the flowers and just loses

 _every inch_  of her shit.

\---

Barry grew up seeing elves present big, celebratory wreaths or bunches tied with a rainbow of flowing ribbons. It’s a tradition of preparation and  _grandeur_ and he’s not certain he’s even that type of person.

Sometime long before Legato, He and Lup are out in a field on day, on an uninhabited world of warmth and sunshine. The wind is blowing, rippling their red, ipre robes. They sit down and take a rest. They’ve been walking for a while and they haven’t spotted the light. But they feel it, it’s close.

They don’t really talk, but it’s fine, it’s been a lot of cycles. They don’t need a conversation to feel comfortable anymore. They just want to enjoy the day.

Barry plucks a daisy from a particular patch, and as Lup points out a cloud that looks like a duck, he absentmindedly tucks it in her hair. As soon as he does, he blushes because,  _fuck I don’t know why I did that why did i do that???_ He looks up at the sky and says that another cloud looks like a jellyfish. Lup stares at him briefly, but then nods and looks back up at the clouds. They continue not saying anything out loud. But Lup says something, in her heart.

She says yes.


	6. Taz MMORPG AU

It’s the Adventure Zone Championship tournament, the biggest summer event in Faerun’s fantasy MMORPG world. Folks from all 12 planes come to watch the best gamers around compete for virtual glory in a popular new game: Balance Arc. Instead of AI, each npc is played by a irl moderator. There are also solo players littered throughout with their own solo quests to keep things interesting.

This year’s team line up looks especially promising, with all competing for the same goal: acquire all seven relics and end the wars plaguing the world. There are seven quests–one fore each relic, played across a series of days, with hour-long interludes interspersed to give players reprieve and to level up.

A massive 270° screen displays the beautiful world of Fantasy Faerune behind the gamer’s setups for VIP spectators to witness from a custom lounge. Each team is given a designated area that makes up their cushy setup. The solo players are given their own cubicles.

Tres Horny Boys are a powerful, underdog squad that seemingly came from out of nowhere. Magnus is proficient in offensive strikes and pretty much anything else physical. Taako is the most eclectic transmuter ever played, despite clams of just being a “simple, idiot wizard.” Merle is…..a healer? (Spectators whisper, “Right, I mean his character is a cleric, so he’s supposed to be able to heal???”)

**Chat_log:**

**Fntsy_jstn:** abraca-FUCK YOU!✨

–

The first rounds go easily, and teams start dropping like flies. Some teams try doing side quests or grind out better loot, but many of the main tasks are time based and they find themselves falling behind. **[Team: Tres_Horny_Boiz]** take a huge lead–on account of just, straight up rushing into things without much logic or thought.

They successfully complete **[Quest1: Here_there_Be_Gerblins]** , acquiring **[RELIC1: Pheonix_Fire_Gauntlet]**. However, their new friend **[ID: Barry_J_Bluejeans]-** who is a massive nerd and maybe a bit of a douche, but still cool as heck–gets ganked early. They are greeted by **[ADMIN: Madame_Director]** and are invited to join the [Guild: Bureau_of_Balance]. During the first break, THB get to meet other guild members: Carey, Killian, Johann, Avi, and Robbie. They’re all competitors, but they’re pretty chill sports about the whole thing.

—

During **[Quest2: Murder_on_Rockport_Limited]** , they randomly befriend **[MOD: Greatest_Boy_Detective]** who’s avatar looks like a little boy in a nifty boy suit. As soon as the quest ends, THB decide to go and ask the mod why they chose that specific design–only to find out that real life Angus McDonald is actually baby ten, and is holding his own as a valued Moderator amongst fully formed adult players.

THB still pick on him for the rest of the game though.

–

Defeated players are given the option to act as game Mods, which **[ID: The_Ram]** and **[ID: The_Raven]** take after being beaten during **[Quest3: Petal_to_the_Metal]**

A mysterious figure known only as **[????: Red_Robe]** appears. He does not stay long, but his stats glitch from low to high like crazy.

 

 

**Chat_log:**

**Red_Robe:** Á̸̢̨̢̨̡̨̡̧̢̢̡̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̰̯̩͚̭̹̺͈̜̱̰̻̺̖̺͎͙̼̞̯̥̩͕̻̗̘̞̙̰̼̯̗̺̥̻̰̝̳̣͚͔̹̝̹̱͈̻̖̥͖̤̗͔͇̭̯͔̟͓͎̰͚͙̪͙͖͉̣͖̣̬̦͔͇̲͚̤̘͖̼̲̘̖̦̝̖̰͚̪̰̯̥̬̣̲͓͉͉̘̤̩̲̖̣͙̭̝̰̝̠̘͈̆̀̈́̐̓̽͒̌̓̈́͆̃́̓̄̉̾͋̔͌͆͒̓̄̑̄͆̆͋̍̀̋̑͑̓̂̓̉̇̔͒̔͗̄͂͗͂̅͛̈́̽́͑̊̐̂̿͒̏͑̒̐̾̌̏̑̾̋̐̑̎̐̽̎̄̿̅͌̓̉̄̍͑̍̔̉͐̉̂̀͂̀̊̆̎̑͂͋̂͋̎̈́̃͛͑̃͋͒̽̓͊̐̈͒́̏͑͌̉͑̑̿̽̄́̐̈̉̿̏͐͑̽͂̓̑̂͑̈̊͊́͗̾̅̉́̔̓̆̾͐̓̈́̇̌͌̒̌̊͌̽̊́̓̿̈̉̿͊̀̐͑̅͑̄̇̀̀̅̍̄́͐͆́̎̂̿͌̈́̾̊̈́͋̈́̉́̈́̃̾̇̀̿͗̓̾̾̔̈͛͘͘̚͘̕̕͘͘̕̕̕̚̚̕̚͘̚̚͘͘̚͘̕̕͘͘͜͜͝͝͝͠͠͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͝͝͝ͅͅr̸̨̡̧̨̧̛̛̛̥͖̥̖͉͖̼͓͔͙͚̣͍͙̠͎͎̩̲͔̼̮͓͕̖̖̰̱͙͖͓̠̮͇͙̻̠͓̬̟͕̥̦̤̙̼̼̤̩͕̭̞̥̘͍̺̻̥̜̜̳̦͍͑̅̽̒̽́̓̀̌͆̽́͛͌͆̈́͂̇̊̆̈́̔̍̿̃͒̅̽̅̿̽͐̀̇̿́͗̐̿̃̾̂͂̓̆͐̿͒͆͒̄͆̈́̅̿̈́̋̾̔̈̾͑͗̎͌͒̎̿͊̓͌̉̋̅̒̀̽̂̿̊̈́͆̊͗̒̒̄̈́͑͗̍̃͊͛͐̊͗̍̇̒̔͒̋͌͑̉͌̈́̎̒̌̍̐͊̑̋̓̓͒̈̾̅͂͒̈̑̏̐̊͂͂̉́̀̀̍̍͗͋̔̈́̆͌͋͋̉̆̓̿͋̈́̐̈́̆̊̂̿͆̍̃̊̑͂̈́̊̓̏̇̽̏̒̉̇̈́̈́̒͗̍̍̏͗̈̐̒̔̏̂̋̓̚̚̚̚͘͘͘̚̕̚̕̕̕͘̕̕̕͘̕̚͘͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͠ͅȩ̶̧̨̨̡̧̧̧̧̧̡̡̡̨̧̡̨̢̛̖̳͙͎̠̜̠͚̟̝̤̮͇̱̯͈̮̩̫͓̠̞͖͙̱͖̗͔̳͎̻̦̝̞̠̜̤̰̱͓͍͕͕̖̱͓̣͇̲͚̩͚̤̘̱͖̮̮̳̜̜̩̭̱̠͔̮̤͎̦͖͍̼̬͈͓̥̘̞̙̟͕̠̥̰͍̖͖̯̞̬͖̖͚̼̱͈̮͙͍͇̹̘̭̖͕̞̩̱̝̱͔͍̹̟̝̬̗͚̱̫̼̯̤͚͙̞̗̦͈̱̝̯̜̤̗̦͇̱͍͈̘̪̥̯̙̫͚̫̩͈̻̜̦̦̻̠͓͉̭̱̰̳͉̞̰̼͈̪̤̪̬̖͉̼̼̝̙̜̥͍̞͍̭̥̺͎̭̭̙̤̫͚̲̬͇͇̭͓̮̣̳̻̪͚̥̦̻͓̬̣̲̪̺̫͓͔̺̈́̈̿̇͑͌̈̄̒̔͊̆̌͒̂̆̏̒̈́̎̃̂͒̂̋͂̂͂̔̆̍̌͐̚̚̚͜͜͜͜͜͝͠͠ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅ ̴̢̡̧̡̡̢̢̧̡̨̧̡̧̢̨̡̢̢̧̧̧̢̧̨̨̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͍̝̥̳̙̮̳̰̭͕̜̹̟̞̻̝̟̬͍̰͚̮̠̥͖̟͎̝͈̮̦̩̠̯̭͎̭̞̬͕̘̳͍̫̙͉͙͖̹̥͙͎͇̪̘̺͍̰̞̲̩͚̪̭̤̻̥͖̖͇͎͎͔̦͖̲̯̮̳͙̙̜̱̩͈̭͖͕͉̤͇̮̪͍̩̖̻̝̤̫̲͍̫̯̘̮̫͇̹͉̬̺̯̺͙̺̝̘̝̫̟̖̰̱̺̠͓͈̳̯̬͈͉̲̖̜̱̺̤̦͎̜̠̳̻̥̬͔͕̜̲̼͉̝̝̯̻̝̼̼̪̥͇̗̂̈́͐̄̿͂̎͊̾͗͐̒̔͐̈̀̓̈́͂͗͐̄̓̀͑̓͗͂͗̂͆͛̐́͒̆̌̄̈́̏̅̉̇̏̍̔͂͌̿̐̈́͂̿̄̏̔͂͛̏̃̋̑͗͌̈̿̈͋̌̈́̋́̈́̊̓̀͑̂̓͋̅͌͒̅̂͋̂͋̑̐͌͌̐̓̂̊̉͑͛͐̈́̆̀̏͌̓̌̄̉̆̄̏͛͗͂̅̊̌̆̊̐͌̈́͐͌̏̀̄̈́͋̈́̽̎̃͗͑̐͆͑̋͗̔̔̈̽͑̾͐͂͊̽͋̒́̓̂͒͂̈́̾̋̄͂͂̄́̃̓̓͂̃̂̓̅̉̀̓̅̇̑͂͆͒͛̿̋̉̔̋̓̿̀͂̄́̅̈́̒̚͘͘̚̕͘͘̚̕͘̚̕̕̕͘͘̕̚͘͜͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͝͝͠͠͝͝͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͠ͅͅy̶̡̢̡̧̢̡̛̛̛̛̛̛͚̪͖̦̥̜̜̰̖̗̼̣̩̣̯̖͔̲̖͖͕̣̖̖̮̯̪̣̲͈͈̝̝̙̹̻̭͓̭͕̤̗̳͈̯̤̪̼̜̝͙͇̬̙͈͕̜̣̦̘̼̹̜͉̗̲̥̪̭̣̼̙̤̝̳̙̻̙̝͔̲̬͓͉̤̞͇̗̫͇̖͙̥͔̗͙͉͎̭͍̗̯͕̱̬̞̬̳̣̫̼̬̖̮͍̙͕͖̲̞̙̘̪͈̜̰̲̟̽̽͋͑͊̊̎̓̒͋̉̐̾̌̈́̎͗̅̇̓͒́̂̿̈́̌́̾̑̽̀͒͗̆̾͐̄̽̅̈́͑͛̃̈́̋̀̍͑̿̀̏̈͂͐̔̽̾̓̌̌̄̃̓̾̌̇̍̐̽̋̍̑̍̌͆̆̔̄͋̀͆̀̈́̐́̍͐̄͒̐͋́̍͒͗̈́̀̌͒͑̃̅̉́̌͌̈͗̒̋̈́̎͋̏̃̂̋̅͋͛̓͂̊͐̇̓̈̎̅̂̈́̈́̃̃͌̉̔͆̄͆̈́̀̒̾̋̍̏͌̿̇͗̀̔̂̄͗̔̆͆̉̏͋̐̌͋̄̽̐̓̋̈͛̽̈́̊̈́̃̉̾͋̇̂̒̓̉͆͊̽͐̽̈́̔̓̇̂̄̉̐͂̈́͐̓͌̽̓̓̌͗̄͋͑͑͆͛͋͑͂̓̈́̓̓̃̈́̇̊̒̎̈͒̆̒̒̚̕̚͘͘͘̚͘͘̚̚͘̚͘̚͜͜͝͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅͅŏ̴̧̡̢̧̧̢͙̻̱̫͍͍̞̫͉̱̣͈͙̠̲͖̤͙̭̬̹̠͓̙̹̬̬̤̰͔̲̭͎̦̞̙̏̌͐̍͂͐̈͐̍̈́̈́͐̍̍͛̓̿͒̍͒̏̍̆͊͛͐͆͌̿̋̍̐͛͑̆͒̀̿͐̐͌̊͋̇̈́̇̑̈̄̈́̈́̆͂̿͗̆̈́͋̿͒͌̓̔̅̈́̂̿̾̌̽̾͌̉̓͌̔̌́̋͒͌̆̏̉̏͂̏̋̀̏͗͊͑̍͂̇̆̅̏̄̍̓̎̈́̋͊̋̒̄̈́͗̇̉͗̇̇͛̀̇͊̆̃̆̍̌̿̈́̈́͘̚͘͘̚̕͘̚͜͠͠͠͠͝͝͝͝͝͠ų̶̧̡̧̢̢̡̨̧̨̧̧̢̧̡̡̛̛̪̤̠̹̰͙̥̱̹̪̦̦̲̘̖͎̟̖̬̟̯͍̞̖̤̜̼̰̩̤̖͕̮̬̲̰̗̮͚̥̺̱̲͖͇̜̺̝̝̪̰͓̖͈̲̣̩̥̬̱̜͎̰̦̻̹̣̦̮͓̗̖̗̺͙͎͚̺̩̝̼͉͎̺̼̤̲̤̪͎͖͎̫͕̩͓͎͖̯͉̓̄̏͆̔̂̓͆̒͋̈́̔̈́͛͛̎̃̔̔̆̀̿͛̒̇̆̈́̑̿͊͗͗̄̎͗̈̈́͑͐̈́̒̐͂͒̿͑̾̈̽̕͜͜͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅ ̵̢̧̧̡̧̨̢̨̡̢̧̢̡̨̢̡̢̨̢̢̧̧̛̛̛̛̛̛͇̟̥͔̺͈̺̹͈̰̩͎̼͖̯̙̫͍͚͕̩̫̯̞̫̟̩̫̳̖̱͚̳͙͙̫̘͈͎̜̻̩̦̟͎̩̮̲̻̗͖̟͉̞̙̪̦̱̦̭̻̼̙̟͉̠̺̲͍̹̣̥͓̫̟͖͍̗͉̳̩̫̣̦̪̥̗̱̻̯͎̬͓̟̙̣̠̪͇͚̱͉͙̰͕̩̤̼̜̤͈̬̬̯̩̭̱͈̺͎̺̩͇͓̞̬̺̜͉͕͇̙̞̯̗͚̱͕̩͎̼͎͎͉̻̳̭͓̻̟͉̮̠̱̱͕̟̳̝̱͍̘̼̲͓̭͓͇͕̰̺̹͍͍̹̈́̂͂̈̃͒̐̀̈̽̏̈̔̏̓̒̐͋͐͆͊̿͗̑͊͛̓͗̀̒̑̌̓͑̋̈́͂̉̐̏̀̇̂͆̈́̑͗̈́̐͑̈́̌̎̋̄̊̔̐̓̐͑̔̄̈́̾̄̃͒̆̊́͊̔̋͌̓̿͒́͐͛͒̏̐̃̇͊̀́̆̇̋̏́̿͑̽͊͊̿͐̋̆̇̒̓̂̈̑͒͛͋̌̀̆̓̓̉̏̌͗̊͆̌̒̓́̐̓͆̒́̍̇̓̀́́̍̓̀̔̿̋̊̃͛͆́́͊̋̄͐̈́͛͛̋̂̏͌̀̒̾̐̓̔̔̄̔̔̀̉̋̎̍̐͗̓̆̌̊͒̽̈̑̅̽͗̈̄͑̄͐͆͋͆̒̌̏͆͗̿̿̈́͊̏̃̋̃̄̓̄̓̿̒͒͂̌̾̽͋̔̽͒̈̿̈́͋͗͛͐̐͊͒̅͘͘̚̚̕̚̕̕̚̕̕̚͘͘̚̚̚͘̕̕͜͜͜͜͜͝͠͝͠͝͝͠͠͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͠͠͠͝͠͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅͅa̴̢̧̡̧̢̧̢̢̨̡̨̡̢̡̨̨̧̨̧̨̛̛̛̦͙͔͕̻̤̪̠̣͙͓̼̻̩̲̪̩̫̯͕̠͔͈͓͉̜͎̭̣͇̠̼͉̳̫̞̘̖̣̥̱̩͍̯͔̳̦͕̠̥̝͍̪͖͍͎̝͈̠͓̟̼̺̹͓̟͓̟̘̘̼̻̙̤̤̙̹̟̲̳̭͔͎̲̥̪͎̥̬̲̰̪̙̱͓̠̝̫̦̩̖̠̺̹̪͚͍̻̫̰̙̟̮͎͙̩̱͎̠̝̜̺͕͖̪̖̺͍̬͍̟̻̙̯̠͙̟͔̭̜̤̤̖̝͚̦̦̖̪̜͎̺͙̠͒̃̋͋̆͛̽̒̿̏͋̈͛̆̂̊͒̎̽̈́͌̓͊̽͊̌̌͂̈́̇͊̅̈́̔̎̓̎̐̍̈́͛́̑̅̽̉̀͂̓͊̈́́̈́̐̍̑̾̓͊̃̍͗̈́̏̌͛̈́͒̈́̏̾̀̈́͂̀̐̄̀͐̿͛̊̓̌̉̌̿͗͂̒̈́̀̋͌̑̾̃̋̃͐͒͊͐̽͂̇́͋̀́̾̋̔̊́̈́̂̀̅̉̚̚̚͘̚̕͘͘͘̕̕͘͜͜͜͜͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͠͠͝ͅͅͅͅf̸̧̨̨̨̢̢̨̡̡̧̧̡̨̨̧̢̛̣͔̩̭͈̻̪͇̮̝̲̬̮̰̠̜̜̬̜̗̘͉͙̭̥͇͕͙̪̲̖̟̻͚̭͎̙̣͍̳͚̘͓̦̜͇̲͙͙̦̻͚͍͉͙̼̖̯̖̣̜̗͇̯̗̹̤̗̥̱͓̱̥̣̦̯͓̩̲͎̬̥͖̰̬̮̭̙͙̳̠̙̜̺͇̫̱̣͖̩̪̠̟͙͉̺̰͉̜̠͇̠̲̤͕͍̭̱̥͈͍͚͉͈̫̯͇͍̰̩̰̱͚͙̩̗̺̹̺̗̞͎̫͇̥̝̜̖̫͎̳̘̝͙̪͍̗͍̰̼̰̘̪̗͙̣̲͓̯̹̝̝͙͉͓͙̗͈̺̤͓̙̮͇̣̍͌̓̉̌̒̀̐͛̿͛̂̎̓̈́͋̋̍̊̈̐͛͗̿̋̀͑͗͋͂͗͐̉̉̾̀̉̂͌̋͆̈́̇̈́̍̎͋͗̅̾̂͗̓̊͆̂̑́̌̅̉̀̔̆͋̌͌̐̓͗̓̑͊̃̓̔̊͋́͗͋̔̿̾̇̓̈̈́́̈́̈́́͘͘͘͘̚͘̕̚̚͜͜͜͜͝͠͝͝͠͝͠͝ͅͅͅͅr̵̨̡̧̧̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͚̙̻̭̤̠̻͕͓͕̰̲̫͇̱̦̠̼̻͕͍̲̬͇͓̘̱̙͍̪̙̦̘͙͚̬̻̦̬̱̟̼͚̪̜̹͍̘͓̜̖̠̟̞̝̥͈̆̃̈́͛̈́̒͒̀̆͆̂̉͛̒̾̎̓̓̔̌̋̇̏͋̎̾̐͗̎̌̏͋̓̈́̃̊̋͆͐̔̔̎̈́͑̈́̄͌̈̒̄̌̒͛̐̽̈͐͋̈́̈́̊̍̓͋̄͑̈́̊͒̏̾͗̅̓͆͂̄̎͛͋̋̿͒̈́̑̿͆̄̑̇̇̑̌̋̆̋̂͐̓̂̎̓̇̆͆̒̈́̈́͆͆͊̅̽̌̄̐́̾̐̂̀̈́͌̒̍̉͐̃̽͒̄̏̋̐̈́̊̏͒͐̑̅̈́͒̽̈́̑͑̑̊̒̿͋̍͑͌͐̆̋̽̏̃͊͐̏͆̊̀͑̽̔̈́̂́͋̅͋͌̎̎̎̽̇̒͒̔̓̋̽͑͐͑̔̄̈́͊͒͊̓̈͗̍͂̔̊͂͊͌̔̆̐͐̂̎̽͆͋̑̀͗͐͂͋̄̔̾̃̎̒͌͊̽̔̒̉͛̑͊̽̀̀̌̍̽̕̚̕͘͘͘̚̕̚͘͘̚͘̕̚̕̕̕͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͠ͅͅą̵̨̧̡̨̢̡̢̛̛̛̛̫̮̘͙̩̺̳͕̠̫̰̺͉̙̻̠͎͈͖͈̝͎̜͍̦̳͔͓̥̬͖̫̦͚͙͖̥̼̮̥͓̬̯̯̮̥̠̰̠̺͎̹͕̦̱̭̙̯̖̜̪͇̳̘̰̘̱̹̦̭̜͓͓̠̮̮̯̫̹͕̩̜̯̲̰͇̠̞͖̘͉̜̲͗̇̈̊͐͌̄̐̋̌̔͐̎̒̂̈́͆̅̾̈́̈͋͐̄̏̈̎͊̔̿͌̀̓̉͋̈́̃̊͛̌̓̈̌̎͗͗̈́̎͑̈́̅͗͐̎̂̃͗̓̈́̎́͂͑́͗̃̓̒̑̅̒̽͛͋̎̐͛͊̂͌͌́̉̀̈͗̄̈͑͋̃̅͐̊̆͋̽̾̅͊̒͂̈́̄̏͛͛͋̈͑̍͗̃͒̓͊̊̒̏̋̆͊͛̓̓͐͊̄͐̏̒͑̄̋̔͐̊̐̑͑̎̈̽̎̀̃͆̔̌͋̐̓͑͗̍̈́̊̓̒̂̎͗̈͗͆̄͊͗̌͆̅̋̀̅́̍̋̆̊̒̃̋͐̆̉̂͊̉̔̔̌̑̆͂͑̉͗̿̀͒͌́̆̐̽̚̕̚̚͘̚̕͘̚̚̕̕͜͜͜͠͠͝͠͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͠͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅͅͅi̷̧̧̨̧̨̛̛̛̛̺̬̬͍͍͚̗̙͍̬͇̭̱̪̼̰̗͇̦̞͕̹͔̼͕͔͉̠̖͇̜͇͚͚̼͔̟̞̫̫̲͈̺̮͉̦͎̠̖̱̻̱̯̘̳͍̘̺̥̦̰̹̟̦͚̰̥̲̼͈͇͖̙̼͍̝̮͇̹͈͓̜͖̜͇͎̅͊͐̅͊͋̈́̀̋̅̈͑̍͑͋͋̌̓̈́̋̉̃̑͆̔̓̀͐͊̃͐̓̆̿̏͌͂͊͊͊̈̿̆̌̏̿͂̽͋̽͛͌̎̍̎̋̄̃̐̋̌̀̍̏͊͗̆̃̎̃̑͛̔̐́͆̐̾̽̌͊̊̿͛́̉͛̿̈́͌̈́̽̆͐͂́̊̌͂͐̒̈́̋͐̊̀̔̈́̈́̈̐͛̈̽̾̀̇̽̒͐͗̋́̓͐̓͒̾͐̂̌̔̓͊̒̿̋͌̓̉͆͑̊̓̔̉̉̍̾̈̒͐͂͂͐́̓͂͐̾͋͒͐̐͐̊͐̐͑̾̍̄̋̊̄̐̈́͑͋́͗̎̈͒̿̔̌̃̃͒̽̓̏̈̾͒̋̅͌̏̌̔̃̾̉̑͌͂̄̿̃̐͐͆͂͛͋̕̕̚̚̕̚̚̚͘̚̚͘͘̕͠͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͠͠͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͝ͅͅͅḑ̷̡̧̧̛̛̛͈͉̠̜̻͇̜̪͉͚̘̫̟͉̻̤̳̪̘̝̖̥̰̠̲̩̦̲̜͚̗̝͈̘͎͇͂͂̆̾͋̒̂͋͋̀̏̂̆͐͌̅̃̾̄̓̓̽͗̂̍̐̌̓̋͗̃̿̌̆̎̿̓̽̈́̈́̏̇̄̈́́̾͛͐̏̃̈́̓̃̓̓̎̉̽͂̔͒͆͑̒̓̒̉͂̿̓̂̊̊̈́͌̽̒͋̂̈́́̇̋͂̓̆͑̓̑̄̊̔̇̇͂̆̉͛̆̃̈́͊̿̆͒̈̕̕͘̚̕͘̕͘̚͜͝͝͝͠͠͝͠͠͝͝ͅ?̶̢̢̢̢̨̢̢̬̦̩̥͕̬̫̼͈̖̥̝͔̯̝͇̖̞̮̠̝̰̳͕̳̣͎̝͙̩̲̤͙̻͖̣̭̞͈͎̪̥̬̘̭̟̝̱̹̰̥̻͎͉̳͚̥̥͕̪̮̘̘̬̪͕͚̙̤̜̩͚̹̯̖̲̹̫͎̱̩̯̮̥̤͔̮͍̻̜̲̪̘̰̲̠̳͒̍̓̈́̐͐̃́̊̑̇̓͛̑͐̎̆͘̕͜͜͜͜͜ͅͅͅͅ

 

 

—

During **[Quest4: Crystal_Kingdom]** , they make easy progress by forming an alliance with **[Team: Sweet_Flips]**. After breaking into a lab and confronting one **[ID: Nerd_Lord]** –tasked with the solo quest to aid his mom (they were playing as a team) after her avatar when mad after unlock a Dark Game Secret)–the whole group is confronted by a mysterious figure known only as [ADMIN: Death]. His stats are ridiculous in all areas except luck, which he seems to be doing surprisingly poorly in. He also lowkey admits that this trio of idiots are kinda cool so he’ll cut them some slack this one (1) time. THB use that to their advantage and strike a deal with him, allowing them to complete their mission by bending the rules a little.

—

As soon as the fourth quest is over, irl Magnus has to be forcibly restrained from breaking into irl Lucas’s cubicle (with the latter hiding under his irl chair in fear) and kicking his nerdy, cowardly his irl ass.

–

 **[ID: Wits_and_Wagers]** is a merchant npc who sells and makes deals withTHB for new items. But honestly, no one has any clue who is manning this completely unidentified character and they’re too afraid to ask.

—

After **[Quest5: Eleventh_Hour]** everyone takes a long, well deserved break.

During the break, THB are chatting and there’s a knock on the table they’re sitting at. They all look up and it’s ???A hot boy??? A tall, dark, and handsome man who came over to make sure they will continue to abide by the rules of the game for the rest of the tournament. They quickly assess that this dude was Death. But despite being one of the strongest admins they’ve possibly ever encountered, he’s is really just a major dork who wants everyone to have fun.

Taako: You should like…come around some more…to make sure we’re abiding the rules correctly… cuz there are a lot of rules and they can get pretty damn confusing without someone to come make sure…they’re being abided by…on just like a consistent, regular…maybe lunch-hourish basis.

After that, the risk of Death in the game is suddenly a non issue.

—

Their antics start drawing attention to the competition more than any previous tournament had done before.THB become so popular that newscasters covering the event ask them how they became such a power house. They each have backstories for how their lives led up to them to becoming a team, but somehow these threads they weave feel both natural and disjointed, familiar.

**[Audio_File: But_not_too_familiar [But_not_too_not_ familiar]]**

In the end, the three just shrug and say, “No one else had us, like we had us.”

—

Taako’s umbra staff fires off a spell without his permission, so powerful that the game nearly freezes. His screen starts blaring:

 

[̷̬̃͝Ȓ̴̺͜E̸̞̙̎̄D̸͈̯̏Ã̴͎̋C̶̠͉̦̈́T̵̪̲͒͛̇ͅE̸̻͙͆̇̕D̸̲͉͕̒]̸͙͂͒

̵̟̮̠̅͋̔[̴͍̏R̴̡̺͎̀̃E̴̺͔̗̎Ḓ̵͖͗̀̏A̸̮͚͔͘C̷̮̗̞͋̇T̶̬͓̳͋̇͐Ẽ̶͚̰̖D̵̙͗]̵͎

̵̧̗[̴̮͑͒R̴͕̓̾Ȩ̷͉̔̌̎͜D̸̺̥͒͠͠A̴̼̹͐̈́̊C̷͚͔͉͗T̸͇̞̽Ě̶̝͍̝Ḏ̷̡͈͝]̴̉͗

̵̬̙̫͂͌͂[̸̧̥͛̏R̶̜̊Ȩ̴̋͊͠-̶̙̺̯̾͂-̶̼̕

 

Irl moderators descend around his set up and reboot it. The whole affair is blamed on faulty tech and everything follows smoothly from on out. But Taako knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t know how or why.

—

Word around gets around the server that there’s not just seven quests in the tournament, but a secret, otherworldly quest that remains unaccessible for some reason. All attempts to access code pertaining to possible hidden knowledge glitches out and renders player avatars temporarily nerfed. The teams can’t afford slip-ups in such a tight-nit game, so they all forget about it and go about their business.

–

 **[Quest6: Suffering_Game]** Is the most difficult quest by far. More than half the teams are taken out.

 

**chat_log:**

**Dogs_shld_vote:** I’ll be having my body back, you undead fuck

 **[Mod: Vouge_L]** and **[Mod: Vouge_E]** are banned from the game due to disorderly conduct. Tres Horn Boys feel less peachy after this turn of events, despite collecting **[Relic6: Animous_Bell]** and taking a stanch lead.

They encounter the Red Robe again, and are convinced to enter a secret location on the map. There they are reunited with their favorite denim-clad nerd, Barry J Bluejaans.

Barry had the fortune of having an Alt, a feature only available in the game’s beta version. He spent the tournament scoping info, grinding for GPs, and basically fucking up everyone else’s shit just so that he could have some sliver of a chance to reach THB again and A.) help him get his original avatar back and B) sneak them into Admin View so that they could access the **[????: Baby_Voidfish]**

–

THB drink the **[ITEM: Baby_Voidfish_Ichor]** and the screens on which they play change from clear space to a hurricane of glitched-out colors and codes, which settle into a bright red **[REDACTED]** , covering every typeable surface, but then quickly give away to bodies of texts that explain so, so much.

The game resets and they remember.

Each THB member had played Balance before when it was being beta tested, but they were much younger, and it went by a different name then. Not Balance…but Bonds. Those chose to test the beta were labeled **[Task_Force: IPRE]**. It was a beautiful, versatile world, with expansions coming in frequently, and fantastically. The GM’s had gone to great lengths to scrub its data from the internet, to hide all traces.

But no longer.

**[Bonds_Beta_Quest: [̵͖́̒[R̸̖̞̩͉̔Ę̶͇̤͈̹̾̑͌͆̉D̵͖͆͂̐̕Ȁ̸̪͉͇̺̇̋͊͑C̴̗̉̚͝T̷̡̞̬̈́̈́̍̕͠E̴̱̥͆͜D̴̡̡̩̙̄̈́̅͝]̵̮̜̌̚͠] becomes [Bonds_Beta_Quest: Stolen_Century]**

–

**Chat_log:**

**4̴̬̎2̶̘́0̶͓̉B̵͚̓l̷̘̀ä̶̮́z̷̪͘é̶͓I̷̫͌t̸͊͜:** back soon 💋

–

 **[ADMIN: Madame_Director]** says, ( “no, wait actually it’s…”)

 **[ID: Lucretia]** says, “I’m sorry…I’m so, so sorry….”

—

**chat_log:**

**Pan_man69:** I cast… Zone of Truth!

 

The beta had been scrubbed to keep one thing retained, to cut off a glitch in the system that threatened to wreak havoc on the virtual world. During the rollback, some key PC’s were lost, items hidden, sections of the map forgotten. The—-

—

 **[Bot: HUNGER]** enters the game.

–

All the screens glitch out. The teams, the solos, the mods, even the tech crew producing the event. Everything goes bonkers. the tournament comes to something of a halt as everyone watches this virtual disease attempt to consume their virtual world.

 **[MOD: Davenport]** switches over to **[ADMIN: Captn_Port]** and he makes the suggestion to just end the whole thing. But no one wants to end the thing. They’ve all come this far. Lucretia offers to save a part of the game, cut off from all DLCs and custom expansions, and betas that tie it together. But everyone has parts of the game they love, intertwined with parts that they helped to develop. All the spectators watch in, quiet, worried resignation as the game they all love is slowly being corrupted by some unimaginable force.

On screen, Angus’s avatar has the umbrastaff in his hands. It cast another powerful spell without his control. Taako narrows his eyes, slips back into his chair and tries something outrageous.

–

Lup was unable to access her avatar for the majority of the tournament, despite being fully registered as a competitor. But she was still able to access her and Taako’s shared inventory (a modification that even the developers didn’t know about.) Through that, she could aid Taako indirectly via the greatest item they had–the umbrastaff. Towards the end of the eleventh hour quest, she realized she could use the umbrastaff as a means to ferry herself back into the game, but it wasn’t until the beginnings of of Story and Song Quest when Taako figured out how to unlock it: by sacrificing the item.

**̵͖͙͍́̒[̴̘̀̅͠R̸̖̞̩͉̔Ę̶͇̤͈̹̾̑͌͆̉D̵͖͆͂̐̕Ȁ̸̪͉͇̺̇̋͊͑C̴̗̉̚͝T̷̡̞̬̈́̈́̍̕͠E̴̱̥͆͜D̴̡̡̩̙̄̈́̅͝]̵̧̮̜̌̚͠ becomes [Command: [Enter ID: 420BlazeIt]]**

–

**Chat_log:**

**420BlazeIt:** why didn’t you let me in sooner dingus??? 🔥🔥🔥

 **Fntsy_jstn:** because i forgot you existed goofus!!! ✨✨✨

–

In the fray of uncertainty, THB all look at each other. And all three throw on their headsets and hop back into their seats.

**chat_log:**

**Fntsy_jstn:** Lucretia, your code, could it keep the Hunger bound? Could it… cut the Hunger off? ✨

 **Lucretia:** …

 **Lucretia:** huh

 **Barry_J_Bluejeans:** …Huh.

 **420Blazeit:** …huh 🔥

—

 **[Quest7: Story_and_Song]** becomes **[Quest?????: Save_the_World]**

Servers from across the globe light up as players newbs and elites alike hop on to join in the battle agains the bot. One by one, zones across the map are reclaimed, and defeated characters are temporarily resurrected. It is chaotic and terrifying and wonderful. Some people loose wifi, some have their monitors crash, but everyone works together in their own way. They listen to the game’s OST while they do. It’s an absolute banger, and they feel in their hearts the inspiration to win.

—

They do. And they are amazing.


	7. Taako and Kravitz Adopt Angus

“You did what?” Taako and Kravitz ask simultaneously, their forks clattering upon the dinner table.

Angus ducks his head low, avoiding their gazes as he slowly takes a sip of lemonade.

“I…told them that you guys were my parents?” he says, trying to put on his best, cute kid face. Which is a harder trick to pull since he’s now fourteen and sporting the barest hint of peach fuzz around his jaw. “My classmates just wanted to know how I got to be so close with you guys. I thought it would be easy shorthand!”

“Agnus, misinformation like that could cause complications in the long run.” Kravitz says, gingerly.  He glances over at Taako. “You can’t say anything like that without talking to us first.”

“The last thing I’m going to do is be a fuckin’ parent, least of all for clout,” Taako declares. “Now go to your room. You’re grounded.”

Taako and Kravitz’s home is a large manor house in the eastern side of Neverwinter, near the sea. It was also the closest of the IPRE’s residences to Angus’s school, which benefited the boy greatly. The lad had spent so many weekends staying over, that the room that had originally been one of the guest rooms just became his bedroom over time.

“Sir, don’t you think I’m a little old for getting grounded?” Angus asks, trying not to sound whiny.

“Are you back talking? To me?” Taako asks, his bright, elven eyes flicker with the threat of an oncoming spell.

“No, sir,” Angus groans, as he gets up from his seat. He’s polite enough to grab his plate and deposit it into the sink before shuffling off to his room.

“Can you believe this kid?” Taako asks, as soon as he’s out of earshot. “Telling everybody  _I’m_  his parent. Me? Taako from TV? A father? Puh- _lease._ ”

“Mmm hmm.” Kravitz nods his head politely. He waits with his eyes settled on Taako’s face. Taako looks up and catches his gaze. They’ve been together for four years now. Married for two. Within that small timespan, they’ve gotten pretty good at guessing what the other’s thought process is.

“No,” Taako says, finally breaking the silence.

“No what?” Kravitz asks innocently. Taako frowns and takes a sip from his own glass.

“Angus has a million fuckin’ people looking out for him,” he says. “He doesn’t need a sheet of paper to tell him who the fuck needs to parent him.”

Kravitz raises a brow, but says nothing. He’s spent plenty of time with Barry. He’s come to learn that one of the best tactics with arguing with the twins, is to not argue at all. Taako eventually leans back in his chair and sighs.

“Lup and I never—I wasn’t—” He starts, then takes a moment to organize his words. “ _Listen._  I’ve seen and dealt with every terrible guardian under the sun. I could write a book about being a shitty guardian. I don’t know fuck all about…how to be a good one.”

“You know what not to do,” Kravitz points out. “Use that as the first step. You seem to be doing alright so far.” He gestures at one of the dining room walls, which is littered with framed photographs. 

Amidst the usual photos of Taako and Kravitz, there’s Taako and the boner squad, Kravitz with Lup and Barry, and all of the above. There’s also a significant number of photos with just Taako, Kravitz, and Angus hanging out together. Having fun. Looking something reminiscent of a family

“Do you think…he’d even want to?” Taako asks, his voice a lot quieter now. He clarifies, “Want us?” Kravitz reaches across the table and places a hand on top of Taako’s.

“Angus has a pretty good head on his shoulders,” Krav says. “His whole career revolves around a sense of morality. Do you think he would’ve clung so close to you—to us—if he didn’t think of us as good people?”

“Good people,” Taako mumbles, more to himself. He rubs his temples, giving the thought some time to settle in his brain.

“Also, you wouldn’t be doing it alone,” Kravitz says, his hand more firmly around Taako’s. “I think I have even less qualifications than you do. But, I think this might be good…for us.”

“Hmmm,” Taako hums, rubbing his thumb across his husband’s palm, feeling the wedding band on his finger. “I suppose your mind is already made up?”

Kravitz smiles and says, “I’m down for whatever you’re down for.” Taako nods, then stands up from the table.

“Alright then,” he says, after another moment. He takes a breather, and then charges down the hallway.

“Ango!” He says, bursting through the boy’s door. Angus bolts up in bed at the sudden noise. A Caleb Cleveland limited edition novel falls out of his hands and thuds to the floor. Taako crosses his arms, pointedly ignoring the sudden chaos he has caused. “You’re ungrounded.”

Angus looks up at Taako confused, then leans down to grab his book.

“After ten minutes?” He asks. “It’s bad parenting if you don’t know how to properly discipline your kid, sir.” His voice implies that he’s 100% joking.

“That’s no way to talk to your fuckin’ Dad,” Taako declares. Then adds, “Well, once we get all the papers sorted out, I guess.” He watches as Angus’s face shift from surprise, then confusion, then unfiltered joy. 

Taako grins, then says, “You’re grounded again.”


	8. Kravitz possesses a toaster and gets stuck

Lup and Barry didn’t know what they were expecting when Taako called them up, practically choking on his laughter at the other end of his stone of far speech.

“Help—I can’t—toaster!” Was all he was able to get out between the fits of wheezing. He sounded like he was two bad coughs away from an aneurism. 

Barry used his scythe to cut a rift between their respective homes. As soon as he and Lup stepped through, they spotted Taako laying on the floor of his kitchen, practically whimpering with giggly sobs.

“What’s the funny Ko?” Lup asked her brother. She glanced around the seemingly normal kitchen “And why was it so bad you had to call us?”

Taako carefully pulled himself from the floor. He wiped a tears or two from his eyes and and lead against the counter. He tapped two fingers on the metal siding of a seemingly normal looking toaster

“You care to explain?” he asked. The toaster, of course,  _being a fucking toaster,_ said nothing back. Taako cackled. “Too embarrassed to talk, aye?”

“Ko, have you finally lost your marbles?” Lup asked.

“Wait, gimme a sec,” Taako said. He grabbed the black cord connected to it and plugged it into a nearby outlet. The toaster immediate yelled “Ow!” and rattled across the counter, yanking the cord out and —yep. There was a voice alright. A strangely familiar voice. Lup and Barry’s attention snapped to it, disbelieve stamped on their faces.

“I can explain,” Kravtiz, in toaster form, said.

One 2 minute explanation—interspersed with Lup, Barry, (and Taako, for the the second time that day) practically falling to their knees with laughter over Kravitz’s predicament—later, and they were collectively able to gather their senses enough for Taako to properly cast Reversal.

“The darn thing wouldn’t heat up properly, so we thought if I possessed it, it’d be a roundabout way of getting it to work,” Kravitz said, adjusting back into his familiar, corporeal form.

“You can make toast in the oven, Babe,” Lup said, leaning against Barry. They both looked worn out from all the laughing. “I don’t know why you didn’t just try that!”

“Listen, he suggested it,” Taako said. “I just wanted to see if it would work.”

“Did it?” They asked.

Taako looked at Kravitz, and Kravitz looked at Taako. They glanced at the now, unpossessed toaster, and realized the two slots where bread was supposed to be was now empty. Taako looked back at Kravitz, mainly at his torso.

“It’s too early in the morning to be figuring this shit out,” he declared after a beat.

“I agree,” Kravitz said. And they never brought it back up again,


	9. Tres Horny Boys meet the Pine Guard

“Whoa!” Magnus exclaims. He stands in front of the entrance to the Cryptonomica. Duck stands adjacent to him. “You’ve got a magic sword? I’VE got a magic sword!”

“Yeah?” Duck asks. He slips Beacon out of his belt loops. “But is your magic sword an asshole?”

“Duck Newton,” Beacon croons. “You would not be saying these words if you were to properly use me to my full capacity.”

“Holy shit, it talks?” Magnus asks, eyes as big as saucers. “Mine just cleaves guys in twain with one blow.”

“Wanna trade?”

–

Ned takes a moment to show Merle around the inside exhibits. “Yeah, so I’ve been keeping this collection going for quite some time. Gotta let folks know that the woods got strange things going on.”

“Tell me about it,” Merle said, “I can’t go two days without the God of the Wild ringing me up and saying, ‘Merle, go check on my flora and fauna. I think they’re growing out of season again.’”

“Huh,” Ned says, like he’s heard it all. “Don’t that be the way.”

–

“Hi, I’m Aubrey. I can do magic!”

Taako takes in Aubrey’s excitable face and rustic, flame aesthetic without batting an eye. They stand near an open clearing, not too far from the Cryptonomica. Taako leans against his umbrastaff.

“You don’t say kid?” He says. “I’m Taako, by the way. Wizard, Chef, wizard-chef. You know, from tv?”

“Oh, I didn’t have cable growing up,” Aubrey says. “If magic is your whole deal, mind giving me a few pointers on mine? It’s a little hard to control at the moment.”

“Why don’t you fire one off and let me be the judge of that?”

“Okay, but stand back.” Aubrey takes a few careful backward strides, then casts a spell. A torrent of flames shoots off into the air. They crackle with a colorful brilliance, narrowly avoiding any of the surround trees. Magnus and Duck come running towards the clearing. Merle and Ned peak out the window, startled by the noise. As soon as Aubrey sees it all work with out a hitch, she jumps into the air and pumps her fists.

“Hell yeah!” she yells, “I did not fuck it up this time! Woo!”

“Taako?” Magnus asks. “Are you okay?”

Taako blinks. He turns his face away from Aubrey and the magic and turns to look at Magnus. “Yeah,” he says, sounding distant. “Why you ask, Maggie?”

“Taako,” Magnus says, a bit quieter. “Is it me, or are you crying?”

“I…what?” Taako touches his face, and his cheek is partially wet. He wipes his face quickly with the back of his hand. “Must have got pollen or something in my eyes. These woods have who knows what in it.”

“I knows what,” Merle says, waddling up to everyone else. Ned treads close behind.

“Did I do alright?” Aubrey asks, a little timidly. She notices everyone else surrounding her. “I-I know I have a long ways to go, but I’ve improved quite a bit!”

“Oh, yeah, kid, for sure.” Taako says, slinging his umbra staff over his shoulder. He gives her a thumbs up. “Don’t sweat it. Magic that powerful can be hard to contain. You’ll get it.”

Aubrey beams.

–

As soon as they all have a moment to chat amongst themselves, Magnus pulls Taako and Merle aside.

“You sure you’re good, Taako?” He asks. “You seemed pretty affected by that Aubrey girl.” Merle nods in agreement.

“I don’t know what to tell you bozos,” Taako says, waving their comments away with a hand. “It’s not like I haven’t seen a fire spell shot off like that before. Must’ve been deja vu, that’s all. Can’t help the fact that it’s familiar.”


	10. Taako, Lup, Barry, and Kravitz are summer camp counselors

“Could someone explain to me,” Lup says, getting out of the car. “Why we didn’t have at a day to maybe, I dunno, meet the other counselors before we jump start this whole thing?”

“Something, Something, Merle,” Taako mutters. He gets out of the passenger seat and opens the rear door to grab some of their bags. “It is a big paycheck on a short notice, so really what’s there to complain for?”

“I guess that tracks,” Lup says. They make their way from the parking lot of the campsite, up the long footpath towards the entrance to the campsite. There’s already a counselor near the gate surrounding the area. He’s a pretty nerdy looking fellow, wearing glasses, cutoff denim shorts, and a bright blue t-shirt that says, “I love Magic Camp!”

“Oh, hey!” he says, as if only noticing them as soon as they are a few feet away from him. He stretches out a hand to the both of them. “You two must be the new counselors.”

“Nah, we’re here to be campers, my dude,” Taako says. Lup smacks his arm and turns to the guy.

“Yep! That’s us, babe.” She says. “I’m Lup and this is Taako. If you get us confused, just know that I’m the hotter twin.”

“Says who?” Taako asks, incredulous.

“Uh, I’m Barry,” Barry says, now that he’s got a pretty good look at them. They’re both wearing t-shirts and shorts, though Taako is sporting a pair of shades and Lup has on a wide sunhat. He gestures toward a pathway that leads away from the main buildings. “I’m the Assistant Head counselor here. Down by the lake is Kravitz, he’s keeping an eye on some of the kids who wanted to go for a swim early.”

“Cha’boy’s gonna be down by the lake,” Taako declares, dropping his bags and walking between Barry and Lup. Lup scoffs and throws her hands up.

“We just got here, dingus!” she shouts. “You’re gonna leave me to carry all our stuff?”

“Yeah!” Taako calls, already halfway down the path. “It’s hot and I’m going swimming!”

“This isn’t a vacation! This is a job!” Lup says. But it’s to no avail. Taako waves a hand and disappears through the trees. Barry looks from Taako to Lup sympathetically.

“Geez,” He says. “I-I can help you carry these to the counselor’s cabin, no problem.”

“Would you?” Lup replies. She grabs a bag.“That’d be great. Sorry my brother’s a bit of an ass. I’d say he gets better when you get to know him, but he gets worse actually.”

Barry just chuckles and reaches down to grab one of the bags Taako left behind. “I’ve met my fair share of those. I’ll give you a tour of the site once you’re moved in. Or maybe you wanna rest first? Getting here is a bit of a trip.”

“No,” Lup says. “Show me the ropes, Barold. I’ll follow your lead.”

“Okay,” He says. They both grab up the things and Barry explains each building they pass by. “This is the dormitory, over there is the mess hall-”

“I’m sure me and Taako will be in there a lot,” Lup says. “We’re both cooks, you know.”

“Oh, really?” Barry says. He shrugs. “The best thing I can manage is hot dogs and s’mores.”

“It’s a good thing you’re a camp counselor then,” Lup says, smiling. Barry blushes in a way that she attributes to the bright sunlight. 

They walk into the counselor’s dorm: a large, two story cabin, dappled with the shadows of surrounding pine trees. They walk inside and the floor creaks. But it looks well kept—everything is dusted and swept. A pool table sits on one side of the main room. There’s even a tv over the fireplace, and a stocked up drink machine in the corner.

“We’re fortunate enough to have individual rooms for the counselors,” Barry says, waving a hand at the staircase. “So just take your pick. Magnus, one of the other staff member, is usually here to help get you set up. But he’s busy this summer with a woodworking residency. If you need anything just ask me.”

“You’re a huge help already,” Lup says. She takes off her sunhat and plops onto a nearby couch, strewn with a hand knitted cover. “You must work here a lot.”

“Oh yeah,” Barry says. He looks a bit uncertain, then hazards to sit down on the couch beside her. Lup smiles and turns toward him. “I actually went to this camp as a kid, and then kind of found myself becoming a counselor for the summer. You’ll have a lot of fun working. There’s a lot of good memories here.”

Lup leans her head on the back of the couch. The golden light of the afternoon pours in on the both of them through a window just above their heads. They take a moment to enjoy the sound of the wilderness outside.

“I look forward to making a lot more,” she replies. Barry beams.

—

It takes a few minutes for Taako to get down to the lake. It’s a large camp site, designed for kids with high magical affinity. He passes by a couple of training facilities to test out their aptitude. It’s a good gig for him and Lup to do over the summer. No one else for miles knows as much about transmutation or conjuration as the twins. 

He hears the group of kids before he sees them. They’re all already in swim gear. Some of them are building sandcastles along the lakeside. Others are searching amongst a small rocky alcove for magical components.

There’s a small line of kids waiting to get on a giant rope swing, which is tied to a tall tree that leans over a deeper part of the lake. One kid is already flying through the air, squealing with giggles before they let go of the rope and plop into the water. They come up quickly and rush back to shore to get in line.

The guy helping the all kids get seated is—

Taako takes off his sunglasses.

The guy helping the all kids get seated is very handsome. He’s wearing black swimming trunks, which leaves his beautiful dark skin clear and visible to the eye. His hair is dreaded and pulled back into a loose bun. He holds the swing in place while each kid grips on tight, balanced on the giant knot tied at the end.

Taako walks up to him while he pulls the kid back far enough to give the some momentum.

“Sup, my dude. I take you’re one of the counselors?” Taako asks. The guy pauses in his activity. He motions for the kids to take a regular swim in the lake and then extends a hand to Taako.

“Yes,” He replies. “I’m Kravitz. You must be one of the new staff members.” He smiles, and by some divine force he’s made even handsomer.

Taako tucks his shades into his shirt collar. “You, my friend, are looking at Taako. Chef, camp counselor, and wizard extraordinaire.” He takes Kravitz’s hand, nearly jumps at how chilly it is. He glances from it to Krav’s face. “Dude, you’re this brisk? In this heat? In this economy?”

“Oh, right,” Kravitz says, pulling back. He looks sheepish. “Sorry for the lack of warning. There’s a reasoning for it, but it’s…complex. Most people don’t mind it all that much, what with the heat and all that.” 

“Well, we do have all summer,” Taako says, pulling his hair up into a bun. “Plenty of time to get to know one another.” He takes off his shirt and tosses it in the sand. 

“Would you like to try a hand at the rope swing?” Kravitz says politely. “It’s rather sturdy, we just set it up a few weeks prior.”

“Fuck yeah, my dude!” Taako says excitedly. Then he stops. “Wait, shit, this is a kids camp. Fuck.” He covers his mouth with his hands and glances around to make sure no one hear him.

Kravitz cracks a laugh. “Yeah, we’re definitely going have to work on that. You’ll get in trouble if you’re not careful.”

“My middle name is trouble,” Taako says. He gestures at the rope swing. “So are you gonna give me a push on this thing or what?”

“Are you sure?” Kravitz says, a bit apprehensive. “You said your self, my hands are pretty cold.”

“And I’m pretty hot, Krav. Let’s get this show on the road!”

 

Oh yes, this will be a very good gig indeed.


	11. Taaktiz fluffy moment at home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, dusty and dressed in rags, rattling an old tin can in my hands, while I wander the streets at dusk: Taakitz? Anyone have some Taakitz to spare?

“Don’t tell anyone I said this,“ Taako says, watching the heavy grey clouds, and light rain pouring through his large window. He’s sitting comfortably in a pile of throw pillows in the little alcove of he and Kravitz’s bedroom. It’s practically a nest. “But I’m a little jealous of Davenport’s illusion ability.”

Kravitz, sitting cross-legged on the floor, raises his head from his book. “Why is that?”

Taako shrugs. “If I could, I’d make it so that the scene outside my window could change however I like it. I’d set it by the desert some days. Or by the sea the next. I’d have a garden view and change the flowers everyday, I think.”

“I think you can order Illusionist Windows to do that for you on Fantasy Amazon,” Kravitz offers.

Taako clicks his teeth. “Yeah, hombre, but those cost the exact amount of money I’m not willing to spend.”

“Have you tried practicing any illusion spells yourself?”

“The best I can do it probably this,” Taako says, barely waving a hand. And smoothly the falling rain outside his window crystallizes and turns to fluffy snow. Misty, delicate raindrops give way to flakes and scatterings of hail, which descend and form pleasant drifts on the ground. A gentle frost develops over the glass, swirling and branching gently into intricate designs.

From downstairs, Magnus’s muffled voice calls out, “Hey guys, don’t flip the fuck out, but I think it’s snowing in May!”

Taako doesn’t turn to look back at Kravitz’s expression. He can sense that his boyfriend is looking at him with his mouth slightly agape. He smiles gently. Yeah, it’s no portal to another world, but this spell would do for now.

“Come sit up here beside me and keep me warm,” He commands.

“You do realize I’m colder than you are,” Kravitz says. But he obeys anyway. He walks over to the window and sits in the pillow pile across from Taako, who in turn immediately slumps his head onto Kravitz’s chest. The elf wraps his arms around his boy’s waist and hums, enjoying the softness of everything around him.

Kravitz hums as well. And that hum slowly forms a melody, warming them both.


	12. Sweatpants That Say 'Fool' on the Ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to figure out which TAZ character has these sweatpants. But then, in horror, it dawned upon me: 

_Everyone has these sweatpants._

It starts out with Tres horny boys. They see the pair online, all on their own separate times, doing their own things. But they each individually want them, so they buy a pair. Upon accidentally wearing said sweatpants to the same occasion (it’s leg day) they begin the plannings for the WORST GOOF. 

The IPRE is first. Lucretia gets a pair in the mail. She is confused, but is wise enough to question nothing. Davenport already wears them at sea, happy for the comfort and mobility.

Lup saw Taako ordering his and immediately bought a pair for herself. Barry doesn’t wear sweatpants, but Lup is two steps ahead. She cuts the “Fool” off and sews them onto his workout jeans. 

“Why would you do this?” he asks, befuddled. 

“For the goof,” she whispers, with a devious twinkling in her eyes.

Carey and Killian get matching sets. Avi wears them when he’s not working. Angus wears them occasionally, though he insists he’s, “No man’s fool.” Soon every member of the BoB has a pair. It spreads. Kravitz is gifted a pair. He protests. Taako buys him two.

Soon everyone in Neverwinter starts chatting about how the “Saviors of the Universe” are wearing these hip, new ‘ _Fool’ on the Ass_  sweatpants. The pants start selling like wildfire (from the Fantasy Costco. Garfield bankrolls. Taako already took stock in the original sellers. His logo is on the front right pocket.)

Everyone is wearing them. They spread to Goldcliff, Refuge, New Phandolin.  _EV-ERY-WHERE._ Battle wagoners wear them in races. Storekeepers make them a part of employee uniforms. Citizens of Refuge have the “Fool” part diamond encrusted. The Raven Queen has a pair (but they’re too dark tell when she’s wearing them under her cloak of feathers.) Istus weaved herself a pair. From the angel’s of the Celestial Party Plane to the accursed souls of the Eternal Stockade. Everyone is wearing FOOL ON THE ASS sweatpants.

And then, just as quickly as they became a fad…the trend passed, and no one wore them ever again.

 

Except Merle, because he's awful like that and the laws of fashion cannot contain him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like these, I'm herbgerblin over on tumblr. I write and draw and yell about taz a lot. it's my brand.


End file.
